Friday, May 31, 2013

Baby Hyde's Birth Story



Thank you Jazmin for doing this chalkboard design for me!

Welcome to our world, Hyde!

I can't even explain how surreal this all still feels. Baby boy is finally here and he has a name! (Sean picked out the name Hyde while we were in the hospital and Beconi is his grandmother's maiden name.) Looking at his little face, smelling his sweet skin, feeling his soft hair, hearing his gentle cry, and holding his perfect body never gets old. I could do it all day and night. Sean and I both love him so much. Everyone does. And how could they not? He's perfect! We are so lucky to have such a sweet baby. He has no idea how loved he is.

Hyde came 16 days early. I originally had a C-Section scheduled at 39 weeks on May 22nd, he was breech and wasn't going to turn due to my heart shaped uterus. But Hyde was on his own scheudle! He was ready and chose his own birthday. I'm actually really happy with how it happened, I wouldn't change it. It was fast and scary, but it was kind of nice to still have the surprise.

On May 13th at 5:30am, I woke up to my water breaking. How did my water break? No one's water breaks! That's the one thing everyone told me, even the doctors. "Your water won't break" and "it will not be like the movies". Okay, well, it was like the movies! It just gushed out, my pants were soaking wet, and it was dripping all over the floor. The only thing missing was me standing in the aisle of a supermarket dropping a jar of pickles. (I'm sooo glad I was at home!) I sat straight up in bed and waddled to the bathroom. Literally, it was dripping down my legs, making a path of little puddles. I sat there as the water drained out, my heart was racing. I kept thinking, is this really my water breaking? It can't be! But it has to be! What else could it be? Once it stopped dripping (for the time being), I wiped my legs off and changed my pants. I went back to the bed and just sat for a minute before waking up Sean, taking it all in. As soon as I said "I think my water broke", he shot out of bed. It wouldn't stop dripping out, I had to keep going back to the bathroom. I could not believe this was happening. My lashes and nails weren't done yet, I wasn't ready! My heart was still racing, my chest was heavy, and I felt like I was watching the whole thing. This was it, baby boy was coming.

After doing some Internet research and some slight panicking, we left for the hospital. It was just after 6:00am. I feel like I did surprisingly well in that half hour. I didn't let anxiety or the panic take over. And of course Sean handled it all very well, he is so great when it comes to stressful situations. My water was still leaking out, so I sat on a towel with my pants pulled down (underwear still on) on the ride to the hospital. It really didn't feel real. It was like we were just driving to the store or something. Contractions had started. Nothing too intense, but they definitely weren't like the Braxton Hicks I had been having. When we got to the road the hospital was on, it started to sink in a little. My chest got heavier and I had an overwhelming feeling that I didn't want to go in. I was holding back tears, I wasn't ready and didn't want to be cut open.

We checked in at the ER and were sent to Labor and Delivery. They had me change into a gown right away. My water was still dripping out! I felt disgusting. Once they confirmed that my water really did break (silly because I knew it had, but the confirmation finally made it real) they called the doctor. And we were calling all of our people to let them know baby boy was coming! We had decided not to call anyone until we got to the hospital and were certain it was happening. And it was happening, holy shit! The nurse checked to see if I was dilated (I wasn't at all) and OHMYGOSH! That was one of the worst pains I felt that morning. I couldn't hold back from crying at this point. A little from the pain, a little from freaking out. I was terrified. But I was so glad to have Sean there with me. I don't know how I could have done if without him.

The doctor was there by 7:30am and let us know that they would take me back for prep at 8:15am and then start the C-Section at 8:30am. This was all happening so fast. It's the type of memory that's a huge blur, yet I can recal almost every detail and feeling. The IV was in (another terrifying moment-the nurse said I did better with the epidural), family was there, and contractions were coming on strong. I don't know how any woman can get through labor without drugs, contractions get so intense and painful! I was trying so hard to hold back my tears all morning. I really couldn't tell which were brought on by pain from those brought on by fear. It was such an emotional morning. I wish so much that I could convey everything I felt. They're feelings I never want to forget, and probably never will. It's something I am so happy to have shared with Sean, I couldn't imagine going through it with anyone else.

It was a little after 8:15am (I had no concept of time during all of this. The clock I was looking at was stopped, I kept thinking time was going by soooo slow) and they were ready to take me back for prep. Sean wasn't allowed to go with me for this, I was so afraid. I needed him. They put some cute socks on me and made me walk to the operating room while Sean washed up and put his little suit on. I remember passing everyone in the hall and being terrified as they took me through the doors and I saw the tiny operating table. Although the epidural wasn't the most painful part, it was the scariest. All I could think about was Sean not being there, and it felt like forever until he was. The nurse was holding me and I was crying into her chest while my midwife was pushing my legs up to help ease the pain of the contractions. The anesthesiologist kept telling me to hold still and to sit up. I wanted to ask him if he had ever tried to sit still during a contraction. It felt like I was sitting there forever. And then, the next thing I know, I'm laying down and they're poking me with sharp objects that I couldn't feel. They hooked me up to monitors, painted iodine on my stomach, put the tarp up, and the doctor said he as ready to begin. I panicked, Sean still wasn't in the room. Someone said "we need to go get dad". (he ended up having to pee right as they went back to get him) That was the longest wait of my life. It was such a relief when I finally heard his voice and felt his hand.

I felt some pressure and some pulling, it was weird and uncomfortable. But it wasn't painful. It didn't take long for the beeping and the doctors voices to be blocked out by Hyde's little cry. (8:52am) I still hadn't seen him, but it felt so good to hear him. I was so worried about his health with him coming early. After they pulled him out, I felt extreme pressure in my chest. That was the WORST part of it all. I thought I was dying. My bones felt like they were being crushed, it was unbearable. I was trying so hard to focus on Hyde's scream. The anesthesiologist assured me it was normal and that there was medicine on the way. And Sean was by my side the entire time (except for when the doctor had him checking out the shape of my uterus), holding my hand and stroking my head. I don't remember any pain after the nurse brought Hyde over and laid him on my chest. I can't even explain how those first, precious moments with Sean and Hyde felt. It's like a dream now. There were lots of tears, smiles, and kisses, and it was like there wasn't anyone else there. It's a memory I will always hold dear. 

They moved me to a different bed and wheeled us back to my room. We passed everyone that had been anxiously waiting in the hall. My midwife had me start trying to breast feed immediately. We did skin to skin and tried for awhile. It wasn't a huge success, but it taught me a lot for the next time. The nurse weighed him right there in the room. 7lbs 12oz and 20 inches long! How did I have such a big baby!? 16 days early too. I kept telling everyone there was no more room for him in my stomach, I'm glad he decided to come out when he did. I can't even imagine carrying a 9 pound baby! I know our family was dying to come in and meet him, I'm not sure how long they had to wait. But when they were finally able to come in, they all fell in love with him as quickly as we did.

The next few days were rough. C-section recovery is a bitch. There was a lot of pain and I couldn't do anything. It took almost a week for me to be able to get up and go to the bathroom on my own. I'm so grateful to have had such amazing help and support from Sean and all my family and friends. Thank you so much to everyone who was there to help! Having Hyde there to hold reminded me that it was all worth it. Everything I went through was all to get this perfect, little baby here. He's such a blessing. I never knew I could love the way I love him. Being a parent is unreal. The moment I saw and held him changed how I thought and felt about life. He became my entire world right then and there. 

It was amazing. He was here. A real baby! My baby. Oh my gosh I have a baby. He's no longer just an idea or that little movement in my stomach, he's a little person. A perfect, beautiful, little person. Sometimes when I'm holding him I just look at him and feel like I'm going to, and most of the time do, cry. (hormones) He means so much to me already, he makes my heart swell to the point I feel like it's going to burst. I wish more than anything that time would just slow down a little bit. Even just enough for me to take all these first moments in before they pass by. It's only been two weeks and I already feel like time is going by way too fast. I don't want to ever blink again.

 A year ago, I was counting down the days until my 21st birthday. I never would have thought this is where I would be today, it's crazy how much can change in such little time. (I know I always complained about my pregnancy going by sooo slow, but looking back on it time really flew!) Now there is no where else I would rather be. And no one else I would rather be with. I love my boys, they're both perfect. I can't wait for what the future has in store for us. This is going to be the scariest, most exciting journey yet. I'm terrified to be a mom. I can't tell you how many times a day I check to make sure Hyde is still breathing. And this is the stage that they're easiest to protect! Worry and anxiety are going to be a bigger part of life now. Along with exhaustion and spit up covered clothes. It's all going to be worth it though. He is worth it.


 

 


A HUGE thank you to my lovely friend, Randi, for quickly
 making it to the hospital to take these precious pictures for us!









Sunday, May 12, 2013

37 Weeks

I was too busy, tired, and sore to get farther than "37 Weeks".



37 Weeks!

How far along? 37 Weeks -- Full Term!
Baby size in fruit/vegetable: Watermelon
Total weight gain/loss: 29 pounds gained
Maternity clothes? Mostly maternity leggings and maternity shirts.
Stretch marks? Stomach is still clear!
Sleep: Sleeping is the worst. I'm so tired, all I want to do is sleep. But I'm too uncomfortable. My hips and lower back get so sore when I'm laying down. And my legs are so restless! I also have way too much on my mind to sleep.
Best moment this week: Doctors appointment. We went in still unsure if we were going to do the version or not, I couldn't make the decision. Turns out my uterus is heart shaped, so the version would have been a 0% success rate. So the decision was made for us! C-Section is scheduled for Wednesday, May 22nd. It's quite a relief to have the decision made and to know that it's the way things have to go. I never pictured having a C-Section when I thought about labor, but I'm okay with it. I mean, I have to be, it's the only option. I'm still very nervous for the surgery and recovery though. It freaks me out to think about being awake while they cut me open, pull the baby out, and put me back together. It makes me a little queasy when I really think about it. And the incision/ recovery scares me, I've never had any type of surgery before. It helps to know I have a good doctor and great support from Sean, family, and friends. And to know that it will all be worth it when baby is here.
Miss anything? I'm starting to really miss my anti-anxiety meds. This constant heavy weight on my chest is getting annoying. There is just so much to think and worry about. Mostly all things that are out of my control and irrational to even worry about, but turning off the worry feels nearly impossible right now.
Movement: He's still moving a ton! Just not when anyone wants him to. Anytime anyone tries to feel him, I swear he knows and purposely doesn't move. I'm really trying to cherish feeling his movements these days, it's crazy to think that in two weeks I won't get to feel him anymore. That is the one thing I will miss about being pregnant. I can't wait to hold him and be able to feel him in my arms though.
Food cravings: Ice, fruit, juice, lemonade, and carbonation.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Eating/not eating.
Bump: It's been getting a lot of attention! Everyone's all over it lately, trying to feel baby move as much as they can before he's out. Luckily I haven't had any strangers touch or even ask to touch my bump. I just get a lot of comments on how cute I am. Which is so nice, and does make me feel good about myself. Because really, I feel HUGE. But I feel a little awkward sometimes when someone says "it's not fair you get to be so cute and I was/am so huge". I'm not sure whether to reply with "thank you" or "I'm sorry". People really have been so sweet though, strangers or not. It is so nice to hear that other people at least think I look good.
Discomforts: Everything is still uncomfortable. And it's only getting worse. Women aren't kidding when they say the last month is awful. Hip pain is more intense than ever! Especially at night, when I'm laying down trying to sleep. And standing up after sitting for awhile is getting impossible. There is soooo much pressure on my tailbone. I'm still feeling crampy in my lower back at night, and occasionally menstrual crampy throughout the day. And my feet! They constantly hurt. My shoes squeeze them so tight, and the bottoms just ache all day. If they're not propped up, they're huge and swollen. And the pressure in my stomach and on my bladder is unreal. My body can't take this baby growing anymore! I'm starting to feel like that girl on Willy Wonka that likes the gum. Isn't it her that blows up like a giant blueberry? I feel like I need to be popped with a needle to let all the pressure and swelling out. Thank God I only have two more weeks. I just hope that in two weeks, I'm not wishing I still had all of this to be complaining about instead of whatever it is I am going to be complaining about.
Labor signs: Lots of contractions. They get so uncomfortable! I can't really move while they're happening. At night it's like a constant contraction, they come so often. I don't have any pain with them, just that intense tight feeling.
Belly button in or out? Mostly flat with my stomach with a tiny bit poking out.
Happy or moody most of the time? Happy, scared, sick, tired, uncomfortable, anxious, excited, scared, irritable, tired, nervous, and scared.
Looking forward to? Meeting baby! I'm so excited and absolutely terrified at the same time. I can't even handle thinking about it, it sends me straight into a panic.



Left - Baby Boy // Right - Me
Look how crazy identical our mouths are.