A Sweet Surprise: Real life.

After 5 months (feels like 5 weeks), I've finally found motivation to blog again! I've started many times, just never got around to finishing or posting. Time gets thin when you're a mama! Honestly, I just now feel like I'm getting the hang of this. Being a mom is hard! I knew it wouldn't be easy, but you just never know what it's going to be like until your baby is here. Hyde is absolutely perfect in my eyes (and adorable, smart, strong, sweet, etc.) but sometimes, in my weakest and most selfish moments, I do wish he were this or that. I forget for a few seconds how amazing my baby is and then kick myself for it afterwards. Like I wish he were a better sleeper! Gosh, that's probably been the hardest part of this all. He HATES sleep! Absolutely hates it. He's finally getting the hang of nighttime sleeping, he's doing so well. But naps....it's so hit and miss! There are so many times I would give anything for him to just take a 2 hour nap, without me having to hold him. But then, I suddenly get grateful and start missing him, even though he's still right here. He isn't going to be little forever, and I need to cherish every minute I get with him. Even though I crave just 10 minutes of me time every once in awhile, even though I get weak and run out of ideas to get the crying to stop, even though I feel like I'm an awful mother for doing this or that, I do everything that I do for him. Out of pure love for my sweet baby. I fight through the doubtful thoughts and remember that it's all worth it. Hyde is more than worth it.

How can I be upset when I'm cuddling him at night? Or when he wakes up at 5:00am happier and more talkative than ever? I can't. These are our best mama/son moments. The moments that fill my heart so full I swear it's going to burst. But it just keeps growing and growing as it fills with more love for my perfect baby boy. If it were possible, I would be all heart by the time Hyde was one. He's too much and exactly enough all at the same time. When I rock him in the middle of the night while he's asleep in my arms, I often find myself crying. Tears brought on by the overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude for this little guy. Even though I'm tired and it's 3:00am, there's nowhere else I would rather be. I squeeze him tight and whisper "I love you" into his ears and try to talk myself into putting him in his crib and going back to bed. How long will I have where I can hold him and cuddle him while having him enjoy it? Not long enough. That's one of my biggest weakness as a mother: not living in the present. I worry about the future and long for the past. Hyde changes so much every single day. Each new day may be the only day or the last day he does one of his adorable habits. They change so quickly it's so hard not to miss them or try to picture what is next. Worry is another one of my biggest weaknesses. From worrying about Hyde now, to Hyde in the future, to being a "perfect" mom and homemaker. If only my mind had a switch that turned the worry completely off.

I've stopped worrying about getting everything done around the house. If Hyde sleeps, he sleeps. I'll get what I can done and leave the rest for tomorrow. Each day is so precious, I'm done wasting it on worrying and trying to be "super mom"; which has proven to be so hard! I've seen so many women on Instagram and blogs that make it look so easy. And maybe it is easy for them, but it isn't that easy for me. I've learned that the worst thing you can do is compare yourself to other moms. As far as your child knows, you are the greatest mom in the world! And I know that Hyde thinks the world of me, he's my biggest fan and I'm the best he knows. I had a really hard time seeing it at first, but I know now that I am a great mom. It doesn't matter what I get done during the day. It doesn't matter if the house is spotless, the laundry is done, and cookies are in the oven; all that matters is Hyde and his happiness. I'm not home with Hyde just to stick him in front of the tv (he LOVES tv) or in his bouncer to play by himself all day; I'm home to take care of him, bond with him, entertain him, play with him, teach him, and love on him. That is my number one job as a mother, and I'm pretty damn good at it. He's learning so much! I am sometimes so surprised by how smart he is. He's a pretty happy baby most of the time too! We have the strongest bond, and he is getting to be such a mama's boy! (I love it) It's actually gotten quite a bit easier to balance the housework and take care of Hyde. Maybe because he's a better napper, maybe because he's over the phase of having to be held 24/7, or maybe because I finally have the energy and motivation to get going before noon.

I never expected to be so down after I had Hyde. It was awful, I've never been more self conscious, un-motivated, and negative in my life. I never once regretted having Hyde, he was the main thing that kept me going, that got me out of my rut, but I was so upset with what post labor had turned me into. I was getting deep into a dark place. It's not that I didn't have great support, or an amazingly precious baby within arms reach, I just couldn't stand myself. The flabby skin, the loose fitting clothes, the tight fitting clothes, the overall ugly feeling, the feeling like a bad mom, the sitting at home all day everyday; I couldn't shake it. It was about 3 and 1/2 months after Hyde was born when I finally started feeling like myself again. Better than myself, actually. And now, I feel better than I ever have in my life. I mean, how could I not? My life is pretty great. There are still bad days, failures, and flaws, but it's real life. The best life. It's funny, I've never been one to gush about things, but I just can't help it now! I have the absolute best boyfriend. Better than I could have ever imagined to even ask for. Really, I feel the exact same about Sean as I do about Hyde. My love for him grows each day and sometimes I cry from the overwhelming gratitude and love I have for him. Gosh, motherhood has made me such a softie! Sean has made me a better person and I am so grateful for him! He gave me the greatest gift ever and works hard to take care of Hyde and me. Hyde brings us pure joy, we love him more than words can ever explain. I'm completely in love with both of my boys, they are the absolute best. They own my whole heart and I wouldn't have it any other way. We're all so perfect for each other. I am so excited for my little family's future!

Hyde is only 5 months old and he's already taught me more about myself and life than I've learned in 22 years. He'll probably teach me more than I can ever teach him. He's taught me that there isn't time for regret. The days pass too quickly to hold onto regrets. And how could I regret anything in my life anyway? Every single thing had to have happened for Hyde to be created. Crazy, right? One decision made differently and he could have never been placed into my life. The thought of that is unbearable, making me so grateful for every life experience I've gone through. The decisions I thought were bad, the heart ache, the stupid things that used to matter, and anything else I ever thought twice about. Having a baby changes everything. It changes the way you think, the way you live, and what really matters in life. He's taught me to be selfless and strong, to not sweat the small stuff, that you can never say "I love you" too much, to be silly and not worry about what other's think, and to love and accept myself. He's given me a new reason to live; the most important reason to live.

Taking care of Hyde is the greatest job ever! I'm so lucky to be able to stay home with him. Even when I think I want a break, my heart and arms ache for him every minute I'm away from him. Obsessed? Well, yeah! How could I not be? My sweet, perfect, baby boy is my whole world. My heart swells and aches for him at the same time. He's growing so fast! I love watching him grow, but I just want time to slow down. He's hitting so many milestones and only has more to come, I swear my baby was just a sweet, yummy smelling newborn! There were a few weeks in the beginning that I would just dwell on him getting bigger. It made it really hard to live in the moment and enjoy the time I had with him. I made myself get a new mindset and just be present with his current stage. I decided to be accepting of the new skills that were brought almost daily. I can't stop time, I can't stop him from growing, all I can do is accept, enjoy, and take it all in. I have over 5,000 pictures on my phone and they are basically all of him. I take pictures of him doing anything and everything! I don't want to even have the chance to forget it. It's so fun to watch his personality shine, to hear and make him giggle, to listen to his wild stories, to feel how big he is getting in my arms, and to get a taste of his little temper. He's a stubborn one, he got that from both mom and dad. He's so fun and adorable though! Sean and I say all the time how perfect and cute he is, and how lucky and blessed we are to have been given such an amazing son. We love him more than we could have ever thought possible, and the love grows daily. And I'd have to say he is pretty lucky to have us as his parents! Hyde is loved and adored by so many people; he is one spoiled baby!

Now that I'm done gushing about my life, here's what's been going on the last 5 months according to my iPhone.

Sean got to celebrate his first Father's Day!

Hyde had his first road trip to Vegas at just 5 weeks old! Sean had a work to do down there. Hyde and I left the hotel room maybe 2 or 3 times. We did a lot of cuddling and watched a lot of bad tv. That is Hyde's huge suitcase! Packing for a baby is not easy, or light. And obviously we had to sit in the big chair, it's tradition!

Hyde celebrated his first 4th of July! And he was lucky enough to do so with all of his family. It was so fun to have all his cousins, aunts, and uncles in town. It was the sweetest thing to have Hyde meet the boys that are going to be his best friends.

We had a fun and relaxing vacation in Bear Lake!

Enjoying a ~~glass~~ cup of wine while icing my boobs. Drying your
milk out is painful! I hurt just thinking of how sore I was.

Hyde's first sunburn and winning lottery card!

I celebrated my 22nd Birthday.

Yummy watermelon "cake" (an actual watermelon).

Gorgeous flowers from Sean!

We made the 10 hour drive to Tahoe and had a great time! Such a nice vacation. Tahoe will always have a special place in our hearts. First off, it's amazingly beautiful! And, second off, it's where Sean and I really started falling in love. It was so fun to be able to share one of our favorite places with Hyde.