Delle Angora Edgar
2lbs 3oz // 13.3"
1:11am 01/26/15
Well, "Baby Girl" has a name! Delle Angora Edgar. Delle (pronounced "Dell") is something both Sean and I have liked for awhile now, we just needed to see her to be sure it was the right fit. And Angora is after a lake right outside of Tahoe, a place that we both love so much.
After my water broke (January 14th), everything was pretty uneventful for days. I spent my days and nights in the hospital bed and had daily NSTs to check on baby girl. Everything always looked great, I was having less contractions than I was before my water broke. Everyone seemed pretty hopeful that I was going to be there for many more weeks. And as much as I hated being in there, I felt pretty hopeful too.
Friday, January 23rd, I started having fairly consistent contractions at 5:00am, anywhere from 8 to 11 an hour. And they were definitely stronger than what I had been feeling before, I'd have to stop and breathe through most of them. But they never lasted longer than about 30 seconds. Because I was having so many, they decided to do a cervix check, and I was still closed. I was on the monitors a lot that day, and after lots of heart dips from Delle, they did another cervix check (still closed) and sent me over to Labor and Delivery around 6:00pm where I could be on monitors constantly. I was kind of freaked out. Sean came up and spent the night, and with how long the contractions lasted and how much their intensity increased, I thought for sure Delle would be sharing a birthday with her daddy! (Sean's birthday is January 24th) They had checked my cervix late Friday night (still closed) and by 4:00am on Saturday morning, my contractions had really died down. I was exhausted and starving. I hadn't eaten since 4:00pm on Friday and I couldn't sleep through the contractions, they were coming every 3-4 minutes for hours! I watched the same 2 shows on HGTV over and over. The doctors still didn't feel comfortable enough with sending me back to my room, so I stayed in Labor and Delivery all day Saturday. But they finally let me eat! I ate as much cereal as I could before they could change their minds (which they did, I had to wait until late that afternoon to eat again.)
My contractions were completely random, and Delle was looking really good. We had a little birthday celebration for Sean (cake and presents with Hyde) and it was looking as though Sean wouldn't be sharing his birthday after all. That night they did an ultrasound to make sure she was still head down. She wasn't. I was devastated. I DID NOT want another c section. I was really looking forward to the quick recovery of a vaginal birth. As soon as they knew she was breech, it was no eating again. And they still didn't feel comfortable sending me over, so we stayed in Labor and Delivery another night. The waiting game was terrible. No one knew what would happen, and there was so much anticipation because she really could have come at anytime. And I still wasn't dilating, but because it would for sure be a c section, they would have to take her out as soon as my cervix changed. Sunday morning at 5:00am, they decided it was safe enough to move me back to my room. Oh I was so happy! The Labor and Delivery beds are like rocks, it's terrible. Plus the constant beeping of the monitors gets really annoying. And this meant that I could eat! Again, I ate as much as I could before anything changed.
I continued to have contractions all day Sunday, but they were still pretty random. They monitored Delle and she was still looking really good until about 4:00pm when she started having heart rate dips again. I had sent Sean home for the day, and right when he got back up there with Hyde they decided to move me back over to Labor and Delivery. This time they took me on my bed (such a relief!), they thought it would be a quick monitoring. Hyde did not like the room switch, he was so unhappy. And I was so sad that I didn't get to spend any time with him. Luckily, my uncle had been up there so he was able to take Hyde home. Around 5:30pm, I started really feeling the contractions and they were coming every two minutes. There was nothing to do, we just had to wait it out to see if they would stop. But they started me on fluids and decided to do another round of magnesium and put a catheter in. It was just as bad as the first time. That stuff makes you feel so crappy and hot! My symptoms only lasted about 30 minutes again though. And the catheter was so uncomfortable this time, I felt like I had the worlds worst UTI. After awhile, they used some numbing cream which helped a ton. And I couldn't even have ice chips! That little sponge dipped in water saved my dry mouth.
They checked my cervix again and it was still closed. The contractions started to get really painful, I was having a hard time getting through them. They were staying consistent, every 2 minutes and lasting about a minute. And they couldn't give me any pain medicine! They didn't want to make Delle any more sleepy than she already would be. I was so ready for an epidural! They did try a drug that was like morphine, but it didn't even touch the pain. I was doing my best to breathe through them and stay relaxed, but it was getting really difficult. They checked my cervix again, still closed. The contractions were coming on so strong now (and I thought I was really feeling them before, so wrong)! I have no idea how I got through them. After every one I would say "I can't do another one", but I took them one after another for hours. It was 11:00pm and my cervix was still closed.
The doctors needed another sign of infection, I didn't have a fever or tender stomach. And my white blood cell count had gone down from the day before. They kept telling me they were in a really hard situation, they didn't want to pull her out too soon, they needed another reason. And I needed the pain to stop. Sean and I were both so exhausted, we'd start dozing off after the end of a contraction, but the next one would be start too soon. (Sean was amazing through all of this, I really couldn't have gotten through it without him. He let me squeeze his hand and talked me through every single contraction.) Forget breathing through them, I was literally screaming and thrashing through them, it was the worst pain I have ever felt and probably/hopefully ever will feel. And they just kept coming and there was still nothing they could do. I kept thinking "this is for nothing". These contractions weren't getting me ready to push my baby out, I wasn't even dilating and she was breech anyway. And I kept saying to Sean "we can't do this all night, I can't even do another one". I knew Delle needed to stay in, but I was just hoping every time the doctors would come in that they would have decided to just do the c section. It was awful. I've put off even writing this because I didn't want to revisit this night.
It was after midnight when they finally called it and decided to take her out. I was terrified for the surgery, but so exhausted and done with the pain it felt like a huge relief. I knew I just had a few more contractions to get through before they did the spinal and then I wouldn't feel a thing. I said goodbye to Sean (for the 20 minutes it took to prep me) and they wheeled me back on my bed to the operating room. I was shaking from being so nervous, exhausted, and cold. First thing they did when I got back there was give me some nasty, sour drink to shoot (I guess it helps with acid in the stomach). Then they had me wiggle off my bed onto the tiny operating bed and it was finally time for the spinal. Getting the spinal was so terrible, sitting still through those contractions was the hardest thing. But once that was done, it was like I could finally breathe. I was still so afraid, but as long as I didn't have to feel another contraction, nothing else seemed to matter right then. They got me all hooked up (there were like 10 doctors/nurses in the room), put the oxygen mask on me, and started testing to see if I could feel the sharp tools. I could hear them doing the count of all the supplies. Sean came in and everything started to feel a little okay. I couldn't believe my baby was about to come out at 27 weeks and I was just bracing myself for the cry we wouldn't hear.
All the talking, the beeping, and the weird pressure I was feeling feels like a dream now. It felt like forever before they pulled her out (They had to do a classical (vertical) incision on my uterus--but followed the line of my previous horizontal incision on my skin--which is a more invasive surgery. With how small my uterus still was, they didn't have a choice.) Her birth time was 1:11am. Sean watched them pull her out, he said "she's so tiny, like a little doll". I'm glad I couldn't see her then. There was a window in the OR that connected to the NICU, so she was immediately passed over to them. After she was out, I had that chest pain again. This time it was right over my heart and it was so uncomfortable, I really thought something had gone wrong. They gave me some medicine and I finally felt calm. I even started dozing off/maybe did actually fall asleep. It took them a long time to put me back together, 2:08am was the official end time of the surgery. And once they got into my uterus, they found that I did have a pretty bad infection. They said the placenta looked pretty nasty and they started me on IV antibiotics right then. (They say contractions are worse when you have an infection, I believe it!) Sean had sent a text to our family and friends, and my mom was there waiting in my room. Once they took me back there, I had already started feeling my legs again (I'm so glad they finished when they did! How horrible would it be to feel anything they were doing?). They started pushing on my tummy (ouch) every 15 minutes and we were anxiously waiting to hear from the NICU on the status of our baby girl.
The doctor from the NICU finally came in and told us Delle was doing well. She weighed 2lbs 3oz and was 13.3" long. He told us she had a breathing tube and that the umbilical cord looked pretty bad with infection, so they were treating her with antibiotics as well. He also told us to expect Delle to be in the NICU for about 10 weeks. And I honestly don't remember anything else he said. I just wanted to get back there and see her so bad! I was feeling pretty good, I had my pain meds and I wasn't feeling sick yet. Around 4:00am, they were ready to take me back to my room, but first they pushed me back in my bed and Sean and I got to see Delle. I couldn't see her that well from the bed, but I could see that she was so tiny! I just wanted to be able to hold her and to take all of the wires and tubes off/out of her. Even though I had been looking at lots of pictures of babies born at her age and babies in the NICU, I still wasn't prepared to see my own child like that. And even though I knew how tiny she would be, I still kept picturing a 6 pound baby inside of me, so her tininess really shocked me.
The rest of that day was just exhausting. I got a little sick coming off the anesthesia, and the strong doses of antibiotics probably didn't help either. It felt like it took everything in me to not throw up (I did not want to be throwing up with a fresh incision). And I was just SO tired. But I couldn't sleep because I was interrupted by nurses and doctors all morning. My dad and mom fed me ice chips and fanned me with papers while I was in and out of sleep, and Sean was able to catch a little sleep as well. It was hard, really hard, not having my baby with me. It honestly didn't even feel like she was mine. It felt so unfair to only be able to look at her, not being able to cuddle her. I knew it was what she needed, but I wanted something else. It helped when we got to go back and see her again, they let us touch her head for a few seconds and I was able to really see her. It also helped to hear that she was doing so well. I was shocked when they told us they had already taken her breathing tube out, I thought that would be weeks later! Delle is an amazing, tiny fighter.
The rest of that day was just exhausting. I got a little sick coming off the anesthesia, and the strong doses of antibiotics probably didn't help either. It felt like it took everything in me to not throw up (I did not want to be throwing up with a fresh incision). And I was just SO tired. But I couldn't sleep because I was interrupted by nurses and doctors all morning. My dad and mom fed me ice chips and fanned me with papers while I was in and out of sleep, and Sean was able to catch a little sleep as well. It was hard, really hard, not having my baby with me. It honestly didn't even feel like she was mine. It felt so unfair to only be able to look at her, not being able to cuddle her. I knew it was what she needed, but I wanted something else. It helped when we got to go back and see her again, they let us touch her head for a few seconds and I was able to really see her. It also helped to hear that she was doing so well. I was shocked when they told us they had already taken her breathing tube out, I thought that would be weeks later! Delle is an amazing, tiny fighter.
This recovery has been so much easier than my last c section! They let me go home a day early because I was doing so well. Last time, the nurses never made me walk. This time, I was up walking the day of. But after those contractions, I can do anything and pain is nothing! And it helped that I had to get up to see my baby, I couldn't just lay with her on me all day like I did with Hyde. I also was so ready to get out of the hospital, so that was good motivation as well. I've still had hard times and pain, but keeping up on the medicine helps and I just have to try to not over due it.
It's still really hard to not be angry or feel like things are unfair. I could sit here all day with bad feelings about the situation, but it wouldn't change or help anything. So I try to be very positive and accepting of it all. I'm still extremely emotional and break down (both from happiness and sadness) all the time. But having had an infection, I'm so glad they got her out when they did. And I'm so happy to be home with my boys instead of stuck in a hospital bed. We're lucky to live so close to the hospital and be able to go see Delle every day. And my baby will be home in a few months, and everything will have been worth it. Nothing about this pregnancy has been ideal or gone as planned, but we are so lucky this experience has gone the way it has. I'm already stronger and more grateful than ever. Watching Delle continue to improve each day has made me so incredibly proud, I'm so happy she is ours. My heart is bursting with more love than I ever thought possible. Our little family is perfect, and I can't wait until we can all be together.
It's still really hard to not be angry or feel like things are unfair. I could sit here all day with bad feelings about the situation, but it wouldn't change or help anything. So I try to be very positive and accepting of it all. I'm still extremely emotional and break down (both from happiness and sadness) all the time. But having had an infection, I'm so glad they got her out when they did. And I'm so happy to be home with my boys instead of stuck in a hospital bed. We're lucky to live so close to the hospital and be able to go see Delle every day. And my baby will be home in a few months, and everything will have been worth it. Nothing about this pregnancy has been ideal or gone as planned, but we are so lucky this experience has gone the way it has. I'm already stronger and more grateful than ever. Watching Delle continue to improve each day has made me so incredibly proud, I'm so happy she is ours. My heart is bursting with more love than I ever thought possible. Our little family is perfect, and I can't wait until we can all be together.
All of these photos were taken on iPhones, and the lighting in the NICU is terrible! Regardless, these photos are so special to us.
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